Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Merry Christmas

Dear Grandpa,

I hope it is snowier in heaven than it is down here.  Even though there isn't enough to build our garbage-side igloo or sled down an icy driveway, there is just enough frost to get me into the christmas spirit.  After the presents, candy, cookies, and friends, my family has been the best gift I could ask for.  Though we may fight and complain about one another, my family is full of so much love and support that I can't put it into words.  And for the first time, we are happy to celebrate this day and we feel your spirit all around.

I love you so much, Grandpa.  Thank you for making me into the strong and wise granddaughter I know I am.  With you always in my heart and mind, nothing can bring me down!  Merry Christmas!

Love always,
Your granddaughter

P.S.  I'll save you a cinnamon sugar cookie.  They're amazingly delicious!!

Sunday, December 16, 2012

December 17, 2012

Dear Grandpa,

It's amazing how the mind works.  I can close my eyes right now and feel the intensity of the exact moment of your passing.  I remember the color of your skin and the shrill in Grandma's voice.  She rambled about honey... something about feeding you honey, but I remember being able to lift your body.  Like a child.  I can replay that moment just how it happened and every time I do, I feel nervous like I did when I had to call 911, Mom, and Dad.

So many things have changed, Grandpa, and it's hard to keep up with the world.  Tragedies, heartbreaks, and health challenges surround our holiday season and that's aside from the feeling of missing you.  Our family is stronger than ever and that helps, but it just doesn't feel like Christmas time. Mom and Grandma finally feel good enough to celebrate and decorate the house and tree, which is great.  But I feel like I'm just sucking up all of their sadness.  With finals and other stressors, I feel like I'm setting myself back.

It doesn't feel like you've been gone for two years.  I want you swimming with me in Puerto Rico or fixing your hearing aid that always went off during moments of silence.  As much as I would like for this day to fly by, it's already crawling.  December 17, 2010.  The last day I was blessed to have you in my life.  And, oh, how I miss you.  Maybe I'll see you in my dreams.

It's amazing how the mind works.

Love always,
Your granddaughter

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Serenity Prayer

Dear Grandpa,

Grandma goes to church every Sunday to pray and she seems to be doing alright.  The only prayer that I know and love is one that you've heard me say many times before:

God,
grant me the peace and serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Amen.

Love always,
Your granddaughter

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Fast-forward

Dear Grandpa,

Have you ever felt like the rest of the world is on fast-forward, while you're stuck in normal speed?  It's almost as if you're watching caterpillars burst into butterflies before your very eyes and you are still the same.  I try so hard not to regret and to believe that everything happens for a reason, but for one second I wish I could go into a time machine and see where everything went wrong.  How my world started moving without me and why.

Love always,
Your granddaughter

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Missing Someone

Dear Grandpa,

I miss the times when I was worried I would never have my first kiss, or wondered what my first date would be like. When deciding whether to do geometry homework or take a bike ride was my biggest issue. I miss feeling independent of everyone.

I miss my best friend. I miss being able to text him and laugh about something stupid, or just sit in his car and fear for my life. I miss feeling confident with myself and beautiful when I was with him. I miss being self-assured of everything I was doing and where I was taking my future. I just miss it all and I hate it. I wish I could just turn these feeling off, but it's impossible. I find myself dreaming of false realities and the only way I survive my long drives is with blasting reggaeton music. I want to hate him so badly, but I can't.

All I can do is miss him. And I hate it. AND, I don't understand how why he doesn't miss me too.

Grandpa, take my mind away for one night, so I don't wake up feeling like this. It's really wearing me down and the reggaeton playlist is so over played its not funny.

Love always,
Your granddaughter

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